Reaper of Death

Oh you dear being!
Death brought you no hope
When you chose death because hope died
Rise from the ashes, not as a phoenix but as a charred human
Living this disfigured now is much harder
But still much braver.

Writer’s Block

Writer’s block?
More like an attempt at recovery.
My self-inficted wounds ooze ink.
Or whatever programming goes behind computer type.
When the world is an ocean crashing against your shoulders
Shed the weight in every word you create.
If pain created beautiful poetry
I would gladly let go of these words and embrace a happier reality.
There are writers who create words in celebration of this universe
Then there are us, mad women, creating words to simply enable us to survive.
In this universe.
Maybe when I see the light, I will draw instead.
And the ink of my past will fade away.
Just as my romantic self would say
Instead of deleting words on Microsoft Word as a happier, more rational me would dare to say.

And I would finally be okay.

 

The Beginning

I wrote this more than a year ago when I was at a crossroads and after a year of being able to survive design school, I am glad that I made it to the ‘Somewhere’.

What do you do when you realize that for the first time in your life you have good chance of being nothing more than average? You log off the NID website and do facebook.

You see, I have spent most of my life coming first in class, being the experienced one in art classes and winning competitions of all sorts.I have always been the model student, the talented child, the brainy one. I have had people showering praises on me, most of which I never felt I deserved or required but accepted nevertheless ( I sound terrible describing myself in such a way. I know. I am going and hiding under a rock right now but I need to be honest.)

So 4 days after my academic career finally ends with the end of my board exams, I realize that I am finally free.But I am exposed. I am walking into the unknown where for the first time in my life I will not be judged by my marks. I will also not have them serve as a buffer to delude people into thinking that I may be somewhat smart. I have spent my entire life trying to convince myself I am worth something and now, without my buffer, I will be forced to deal with these insecurities head on. I will have no choice but to be myself. which if you told a 13 year old nerdy me would have been a pretty sweet deal but when you are forced to confront the fact that the “real you” could be just average, it becomes a difficult reality to face.

So while the rest of my friends are celebrating the almost-end of their board exams, I am left to wonder why I am not. I knew that I would not get in. People had tried to make me believe I could but I never dreamed of actually being there. I always belonged somewhere else. A Somewhere I am trying to make myself work to get to right now. but I just wanted a sign that I could be more than just average ,you know?

But I know, for real now, that I am going to have to work my ass off to be more than average. I will not be surprising myself by doing better than I expect anymore. Maybe it is time I start measuring my work by what it is worth rather than by how much more than others it is worth. I left the beaten path to chase dreams which not only give me the worst nightmares but also the wildest joy. I need to start enjoying the journey. Even if it leads nowhere. The people at Somewhere seem to understand that. Even when few others do. For them it is a place for hippies. For me it means freedom. Even if it comes at the cost of security. A security that makes you believe you are more than average.

Yesterday I wrote that if it begins with an end, can I ever be enough? Maybe I will not. But it still is a beginning. Beginnings are never to be feared.